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Edmond, OK
Blessed wife of an amazing husband and mother to Berkley, Bryn and Blake! God is good.


Day 10

Day 10 - something you are afraid of

I am going to be brutally honest here. My fear for a long time was being alone. After Bart I no longer have that fear. I have a greater understanding of the Lord's love for me and I know that I always have my Father. As long as we are here in this world I also know I will have Bart and my family.

I have lost three great friends in my life. Luckily I still have been able to see each of them and talk on occasion, although it is different now. Each came in and out of my life and I am thankful for that time with them. I thought for a long time each ending of the friendship was my fault but as time passed I realized part of it was circumstance, other was communication and other was just growing in different directions. I miss them each in differnt ways but am thankful they are all leading wonderful lives and seem to be very happy.

So for a while I have thought my greatest fear was losing another friend.

Well it isn't, currently at least. I don't know if your greatest fear can change but it has. Bart went to school and was good friends with a girl named Jenny. She and her husband Chris were killed in a car accident on xmas eve. Their lil girl Emily who is less than a year old survived. Since that accident I have been pretty anxious. I don't like leaving Berkley, I don't like Bart travleing and what I hate most is that I am letting fear cripple me instead of looking to Jesus.

About now most wish I would have just said I was scared of spiders! (I am)

We have another good friend, who also has the name of Jenny. She is going thru a very tough pregnacy right now and has previously lost 2 babies due to miscarriage. Because of her story and situation I have been reading blogs and articles and gathering lots of information. The baby has trisomy 18 and most babies with this do not live thru the birth and if they do they pass within hours. It is absolutley awful to think of and I think most days I like to think it isn't happening. I know when baby K is with Jesus he will be healthy and healed but as I have been reading two specific blogs about infant loss and trying to think of how I can be there for Jenny, how I can help, how I can pray, I again have been crippled with fear. Bring The Rain and Keeping Awake are the two blogs. The loss these two women and their families have had to endure is so unimaginable. THey are so strong, so faithful and so blessed to have other children but I know they will carry a scar of loss with them always.

This is my greatest fear. To lose a child. To lose Berkly.

My husbands family lost thier oldest daughter Bridget (Bart's older sister) when she was 18 in a car accident. It kills me to think of what I consider my family now, hurting like that. They are so brave and so strong. They are one of the closest families I know of. They rock.

The sermon on sunday at Crossings (where we attend church) was about the 7 deadly sins. How we can either focus on the sins, or we can focus on Jesus and how to live a life and avoid those sins. We are all sinners, we will all sin. But, we have Jesus. HE has already paid the price. We can choose to wear our sin around our neck, let the evil one remind us of it, bring it back up after it has been forgiven, hurt us with it, cripple us with it OR we can say NO! God forgave me, it is gone and I am moving forward with my Lord.

I am trying to move forward. To know that there will be pain in this life, tragedy and loss. But, I know that my Savior is MORE than all of it. He is bigger than all of it. He can make good of all bad. He can bring us thru the storm. HE alone when we think its to much, to big to face and more than we can handle, HE can carry us.

Please pray for the Laisle family. Pray for baby Kanon. Pray specifically that he will be born breathing, they will get to hold him and spend however long God will allow letting them hug and kiss him and show him their love. They want that and I want that for them. I realize it may not be God's plan but I believe in the power of prayer.


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