over a year...

Im clearly not a good blogger. Im really only doing this to help myself remember some of the things going on in our lives. We have had a busy last 2 years, highs and lows I still can't believe happened. We are doing well, life is good, God is good. We had Bryn on my 31st birthday, August 23, 2012 we lost Bryn Sept 27th, 2012. We had Blake Sept 9, 2013, it has helped restore joy into our hearts but it hasn't taken away the grief. Berkley has become an amazing big sister. I don't say that flippantly. She really, really, loves her little sister. I think the anticipation of actually getting to keep this one really set into her deeply. She wanted to know why her friends all had siblings and she didn't. So, when Blake came, she was over the moon! We all were and still am. Im very tired physically and emotionally. I still haven't dealt with all the grief from Bryn's death. Its a long, slow, exhaustingly lonely process. I've had to learn many hard lessons and with the help of an amazing therapist, I am doing well. Most people don't realize the toll grief takes on a person. I have been so physically, mentally and emotionally pulled on for so long, I am not the same person any more. I may act the same in many regards, at least on the outside, but I am SO different. I love my therapist, she has helped me deal, grow and stretch. She's on speed dial. I love my family and I love the friends who have been patient enough to let me deal. In my own way, in my own time, with lots of forgiveness as I still walk this crazy path. To be a friend to someone dealing with grief isn't an easy thing and I appreciate those who have stuck around. I still miss Bryn so much it is usually to much to bear. Im so thankful for Berkley and Blake, I know how lucky I am to have them, but I want Bryn too. I have been blessed with some new friends, renewed friendships and its all because of my Bryn. I am thankful to my Lord for those people. I hate that most of the people I speak of, have lost a child too, so we have a bond that shouldn't be. I ask you to continue to pray for me. Its a daily struggle I usually can deal with, but its still a DAILY struggle and most people don't realize its still going on. Berkley is thriving! She is so crazy smart, doing so well at school (proud mommy) and even though she can throw a temper tantrum with the best of them (me), I love her so much it hurts. I have the two best kids ever. Berkley is obsessed with horses and Ariel the little mermaid. When I say obsessed with horses, that is an understatement. She literally has over 50 (I realize I allowed her to have that many). She is scared of cats and dogs and other small animals (though she talks a big game), but you walk her up to a huge horse, and she will jump right on. She is so smart, its scary. We are in big trouble with her. In a good way...but still trouble. You can't get anything by her, no trickery or bribery. She remembers everything and will hold you to something you said weeks ago. She remembers people and what they gave her for presents and places you went or said you would go, etc. Its creepy. I love her and all her craziness because I know I gave her 1/2 of it at least! She's also very tender hearted and can be very shy, so I've already cried on her behalf of being left out, or getting her feelings hurt and so forth. I am not looking forward to dealing with some of the stuff girls deal with as they grow. She's also very resilient and I am so proud of my Berkie. She will be 4 soon. I am amazed at how fast and slow time can move. Blake is doing great. She's growing like crazy...girl loves to eat. She's crazy happy all the time. Wakes up smiling and talking and rarely cries. She's beautiful and she lights up our world. She actually loves me so much that she still wakes up 1-2 times a night to hang out. :) I'm tired and I have a crick in my neck, but its worth it. A nap and a Dr.Pepper help...not my waistline, but my attitude. Usually. Ha. She is so wonderfully happy and healthy (so far) and we are so thankful for the blessing she is to our family. Bart is a rockstar dad. I of course can be the typical wife who complains and would always love more help, more sleep, more me time...but he really, really does so much more than most men and more than me most days. He cooks, he plays, he serves, he does laundry, etc. He's awesome. His girls love him, I love him. God WAY outdid himself when he brought Bart into my life. I started BSF (bible study fellowship) this past fall...ITS AMAZING. I am so, so glad I sucked it up and went taking my 3 week old with me (Blake was born the day before it started). I was placed in a group with some amazing ladies (mostly 50+) who are mentoring to me, helping me grow and showing Blake and I the Lord's love. They cuddle on Blake every Tuesday morning, and encourage me as I learn more about the Lords word. My leader is someone I knew and respected previously, and is now my Stephen minister and mentor, my first grade teacher is in my group, a girl I taught with, a friend of a friend, and another friend of a friend, etc. It really wasn't where I wanted to be placed, I wanted in the moms with babies group with another friend. But, I was put where I was meant to be and I'm grateful for God's clear hand in that. I'm so grateful I was encouraged and invited to go to BSF and I'm so thankful every time I walk out of the doors feeling blessed. After small group I get to attend an amazing lecture each week on what we studied and enjoy sitting by some friends I care deeply for. God is good. Im a Christian, a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend. I love all the people who make those titles possible. I'm also a really big screw up, a big time sinner and so daily, usually hourly I have to redirect and try again. I go to bed most nights praying for forgiveness and hoping to finally learn from my mistakes so I won't make them again. I am slowly making some changes and while God is all that matters, I hope that one day you will seem them too. I am working on me, God is working on me. Thank you Lord for so much more than I deserve. Thank you all who have prayed for us, shown us love, and walked the past two years with us. You are loved and appreciated. I am looking forward to 2014! Love and Blessings, Brooke

Bryn came early...

People have been asking exactly how Bryn's arrival came about, so I thought I;d give a quick lil blog about how that all happened. I am keeping up in general via FB. Well Thursday, the 23rd was my birthday. That morning I had a scheduled NST (non stress test) at our Perinatal specialists (Dr. Mirable) office. The tests were happening twice a week, they basically have you do them for any high risk situation. There are prob a ton of you out there who have had them. Within a couple minutes of being on the monitor Bryn's heart rate dropped down a couple times and the nurse didn't like what she was seeing. So they got a hold of my OBGYN, Dr Goff and told him what was going on and it was decided that she was in distress and would need to come out, but wouldnt make it thru a regular delivery and a c-section was needed. It was a tad overwhelming because you go in expecting about an hour appt, then to go on about your day. I was going to head home and shower and meet Bart for a bday lunch...but plans changed! I was sent to OU to get on their monitors, as thats where I was delivering. It was best for us to be down at Childrens so Bryn could have the care she needed. Dr Goff met us down there and within a few mintues Bryn had another bad heart rate drop and they took me quickly back for surgery. Bart barely got in the room to sit down with me and Dr Goff had Bryn out and crying. So, she was doing good, good color and crying! Bart and the neonatal team went with Bryn to get her settled into the NICU and I finished getting closed up. It was fast and furious but went great. SO...that's how Bryn came 5 weeks before her due date, and 2 weeks before her induction date! Overall she has remained stable and the past two days she has been resting very comfortably. It is nice to have her here, but hard to not have her with us. Please pray specifically that she continues to breathe on her own, remains stable so they can operate sooner than later. They are predicting Tuesday or Wednesday. Thank you all. love and blessings, brooke, bart, berkley and bryn

We survived...

Berk got to have her first Smores experience and she loved it. She really like putting the stick in the fire, she made me nervous with her lil pyro action. We made a trip to West Virginia (a central meeting spot for Bart's maternal side of the family) for a family reunion and we survived! I knew we would, I just wasn't sure what would happen in between going and coming back. Ha. Picture a 2 year old and a 31 week preggo who doesn't always travel well and you can come up with some scary scenarios. We set out last Thursday and took 2 flights, and then a 2.5 hour car ride thru the mountains. Anyone who knows me well, knows I had my nausea meds on hand and a tight smile of "I'm fine, just keep going". No one killed each other and Berkley actually was a great lil traveler. She got many compliments on her excellent in-flight behavior. We all slept a lil crazily at the reunion spot,had no schedule, slept late and went to bed late, but overall it was really a successful trip! It was neat to see all the grand and lil great grand kids running around together for a few days. It was fun to have all of the adults together as none of them lives in the same state. Coming from a small family its a tad overwhelming to coordinate that many people for me, but everyone did great, had fun, and I look forward to the first time Bryn can enjoy all her extended family too! The weather was about 20 degrees cooler than here in Oklahoma and for me and my huge self, that was wonderful. I could be outside for hours at a time and not fall over of heat exhaustion. It was quite exciting to not constantly be stuck inside. We had another doctors appointment and it kinda went the same as the others have gone. So far all looks the same, we will wait till our next appt in a couple of weeks and hopefully make a plan of action to get Bryn here safely and then get her heart worked on to keep her here. We have a 'maybe' induction date of Sept1 16th, but depending on the next appt that could be moved back a few days or a week. We will continue to wait and trust our docs and know that it will all work out. GOd is good and we know how blessed we are that things have gone smoothly so fart Things have been pretty calm overall, just normal right now and expecting that for at least another 6 weeks. Prayers are always appreciated that I can carry her as long as possible, the goal being to get all her other organs formed and working well before she arrives. Prayers as we make a plan and for the doctors taking care of us. We thank you all for the continued kind words and support. Blessings and wishes for cooler weather to you all! With Love, Brooke and the other B people living with me.

That's what she said...

DISCLAIMER--- I don't know why and Im so not a computer person but my paragraphs don't show up.--- A good laugh these days is much enjoyed and appreciated on my part. I find myself telling jokes to Berkley that make me giggle, which make her giggle and then its like I actually had a decent conversation that day. I also count answering Dora and Mickey on the TV as conversations some days. That should tell you loads. Joke example: Why did Tigger jump down the toilet? He was chasing Pooh. Its one of my favorites. :) Its been a day where we were inside a little to long, this prego slept with a 2 year old on top of her last night, and so was pretty lacking in the energy department today. Pretty much felt like a failure at life. This day happens way to often. If its a choice to stay in, to just enjoy the quiet thats one thing, but the dirty dishes, toys everywhere, didn't do one productive thing kinda day is not so good. I get a lil pity party on. Its not cool. But, it ended in gymnastics, lots of snuggles, singing Bible songs, kisses and I love yous. God is good. It seems these days, and I realize its a phase of life, an age where people are getting married, having babies, getting into their life long careers kinda phase... its a phase where it seems like it is more rare to have a healthy marriage, a healthy child, a stable job than it was when I was younger. I am sure most of it is when you are 16, all you care about is driving, friends, etc. You don't realize 'real' life quite yet. Well I am in that stage where people around me are having babies and as we go through health issues with Bryn (27wks. and going strong) there are so many around us who are grieving a miscarriage, who are hearing their own difficult news about their unborn child, who are dealing with health issues of their infants and toddlers, and those who are continuing the path they have been on since their child was born of continued doc visits, surgeries, and tests. Its all too much. Sometimes, there are no words. I am a firm believer that God does give us more that we can handle. I think he allows bad things to happen so we HAVE to rely on Him. I think he can equip us for anything we face, therefore we are able to handle what is thrown our way. I think he shapes us and uses these stormy moments to mold us in His image, and to bend us to His will, to fulfill His ultimate goal. He will give you more than you can handle...because He doesn't want you to fix it. HE wants to carry us, HE can fix it. It may not be how we would fix it, how we want it or in the timing we wish, but Gods will, His plan, is always better. Its not easy to accept when you are in the storms. Its not fun. Its life and life is beyond hard some days. I have been humbled by realizing how much I didn't 'get it' till I was in it. I have been broken by realizing my friends or family have felt this sadness I have felt, this helplessness, this fear, or even this peace in realizing that we can't control it. How silly do I feel sometimes for thinking I understood their pain, or that I had the answer? Even though I have plenty of days of "why?", I have plenty of "why not." I have also realized how blessed we are. Not by things but by people, by love, by prayers and by Berkley. She keeps the joy in the house for sure. Its not good to compare, its a great sin I struggle with. But, compared to many around us we are facing a great future, with two girls that have bright futures. We will have a surgery, we will have some late nights, some tears, some fears and a few more battles I am sure we don't know about yet, but overall life is really good. Its one of those....'if you stuck all your problems in a bowl with others problems, you would take yours back out.' Im a selfish person. Really we all are, but I have been shown it daily since we had Berkley. Its not fun to realize 'unbecoming' things about yourself. Recently I would say I have become a lil more selfish on purpose. I have chosen to say 'no' more, to choose our family, or what is best for us. I have chosen me, rest, just time to relax at home or with family instead of being a part of the hustle. I love people, I love helping if I can, I love being invited to the party, the playdate, the dinner, but the world is a busy place. Sometimes its good to just slow down and watch Dora with your two year old instead of rushing to this place or that. We can rush tomorrow. I feel very blessed to have these choices. We continue to ask for prayers, for Bryn. We have a few months before she arrives and life changes a bit. We look forward to the rest of the summer, pool time, lake time and more memories with family and friends. I also ask you to pray for those out there like some of our friends who are dying to be parents and are struggling to make that happen, for our friends who have suffered multiple miscarriages and even with a healthy child still struggle with the loss, for our friends who after years of trying are finally going to be parents, I ask you to pray blessings over some of our friends who just got to bring their baby boy home from the Congo, I ask that you pray for our friends who are headed for more surgeries with their lil ones, for those taking their children in for testing and to figure out answers. I ask you to pray for a friend who lost her dad, a man who faced another brain surgery and is home, healed. Pray for the family who has healthy happy triplets, for our friends who after losing a precious boy adopted the cutest lil boy you can imagine. I ask you to prayer for that mom who is battling cancer with two small children, for the couple who was torn apart and is trying to repair their family, for our friend who lost a baby boy and now is living life with two precious girls, for the parents who learned that as the help their lil boy fight for his life, his twin has the same health problem. I ask you to pray for those people in your life struggling with life, with sickness, with pain, with sin, with addictions,for those all over this world who don't know Jesus. There is so much to pray for, it all matters. We live in a fallen world, there is sin, sickness, and many things out there trying to bring us down. Love each other. Be kind, give more, love more and see how the blessings flow in. Love me when I least deserve it, its when I need it most. Be a good friend by calling me out to do better, to be better, to quit bellyaching, to be Christ in this world. When I mess up, forgive me. Help me focus on the good, help me count my blessings. Encourage me. I love you all. I thank you for your friendship even if we don't get to see or talk often, whether we are close or just a friend of a friend. Thank you for being Christ to my family and I. Thank you for your prayers. lots of love - Brooke (bart, berkley and bryn)

Another update...

Two posts in one month, that is pushing it for this gal! Update on baby girl #2: We had another scan today and got to meet with the cardio specialist. Not much new info, but some. They feel the main problem is still in the aortic arch. It could be three different things though with the arch. Best case scenario is in my terms is that it mild coarctation, with that they most likely could put in a balloon to open it up, or surgically fix it another way. The other possibility is an interrupted aortic arch, which is more serious and basically the aorta isn't attached at a certain spot, so they would use meds right after she is born to keep everything open until hey can go in and basically build it all back together. Bryn wouldn't cooperate so they couldn't get a good picture of the whole area, and therefore we still don't know which scenario we are dealing with. We will go back next month, take more pics and hope to know exactly what to expect. I will deliver at OU Children's, be induced so we can plan and have all the doctors there to take care of her. While she will have to have surgery to fix it, we are thankful it can be fixed, and that we live somewhere with great medical care. The smaller problems in the heart, the VSD's are hopefully small enough they will either close on their own, not be an issue, or can be fixed while they repair her aorta. The kidneys do not seem to be an issue we have to worry about now. There are two, one is just in her pelvis. So as she grows we will se specialist for that and just figure out if they are both functioning or if they one in her pelvis is going to be a problem. The abnormal chromosome issue seems to still kinda be unresolved but they do know now they are from an extra X chromosome. It is nothing from Bart or I, just something that happened in her development. So we will just continue to pray it turns out to be nothing. They feel most likely it won't be an issue, something we may have never even known about had we not done an AMNIO and this type of genetic testing. After she is born and growing, we will watch her and see if any delays happen, if they do, then meet with a genetic doctor from there. Still lots of unknowns,but lots of answered prayers too! We feel much better about her quality of life, we feel that we are in good hands with Dr. Ward and whomever he will set us up with. We are expecting that the rest of the pregnancy should be normal with just some extra doctors and scans thrown in. Other than her heart she seems to be growing well, measuring well and should arrive towards the end of September. We are so thankful for the prayers and kind words as we have been waiting for more answers. We know how blessed we are that things aren't worse. We ask for continued prayers for Bryn as she grows, for the doctors we will be working with and for MY anxious heart. I have always had faith God will equip us for whatever we are thrown, but I have been struggling with just accepting what we have been thrown. My need to control things keeps getting shut down, and its a big lesson for me to learn. I don't like hard lessons, ha. I hope to update again before our next appointment, but if not, hope you all have a great June. God is Good. Blessings and Love, brooke (bart, berkley and bryn too)