Its that time of year again...

Its that time of year again. How has it been 2 years already? For those of you with kids, when you aren't with them, how often do you think of them? Like all the time? That is about how often I think of mine, all three of them. Everyday brings different emotions. At this point, with Blake around now, it brings distraction, and most days are pretty normal. But, they're my new normal, which I know isn't normal for most. I know others struggle with child loss and depression and much more with chronic illness, poverty, unclean water, war, etc., but here in good ole Edmond, Oklahoma most of us have it pretty good. Me included. Each day though, is a fight to put on my mask. My mask is pretty pathetic. Its my no makeup face (usually), clean yoga pants (i hope) and baggy tshirt. Its a smile and a hello and hopefully I've made it thru at least half the day without crying. August and September come around though, and I can't hide from it as easy as the other months. Its her birthday, mine too. Its the days spent in the PICU and its the death. The funeral. All of it, memory after memory just slam into me. Its awful. Its so freaking awful. Im so grateful for Bart, Berkley and Blake. But I want Bryn too. Most people forget we have the same birthday. I understand. I forget things about other too, important things. But its hard. People mean well, when they say things, but its hard. I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I don't want to celebrate because I can't do it with her. To me, its not a good day. Its nothing to celebrate and I want to skip past it. I know it won't always be like this, but for now, its how it is. She was my best birthday gift ever. But, to not have that gift, is heartbreaking in a way you can't understand unless you've lost a child. Ive got a great deal of things that are more than wonderful in my life, and on the days I can focus on that, it helps. But, the depression, the grief takes over most times and it can be hard to be thankful for anything. People don't know what to say to me. I don't blame them. Grief, child loss, depression, its a nasty beast. Add in sleep deperevation from the sweetest 11 month old...well I'm just a bowl full of fun to be around. Its usually more than people can handle. So they avoid it. Some try and its good for a while, but then its too much. Im thankful for those who try, who pray for me, who have stuck with me. Im not exactly always fun to be around. Ive realized through therapy that Ive prob been struggling with depression for a long time. This has all just brought it to a head. Life can be hard, but God is good. God has blessed me with a sweet, thoughtful, patient husband. He has blessed me with the cutest girls ever. Berkley and Blake love each other something fierce. They light up when they see each other, and that brings me joy. Berkley can get the gut laugh out of Blake, which has us all laughing along, and the way they look at each other... Melt my heart! Its a hard time of year, but it will pass. I believe that faith brought Blake to us after Bryn went to Jesus. That faith brings me hope I will feel myself again. Hope I that my children, husband, family and friends will get the best of me, instead of what I fear is most days not much. ****My life is but a weaving Between my God and me. I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily. Oft' times He weaveth sorrow; And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I the underside. Not 'til the loom is silent And the shuttles cease to fly Will God unroll the canvas And reveal the reason why. The dark threads are as needful In the weavers skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned. -Author Unknown**** Love and Blessings, brooke