over a year...

Im clearly not a good blogger. Im really only doing this to help myself remember some of the things going on in our lives. We have had a busy last 2 years, highs and lows I still can't believe happened. We are doing well, life is good, God is good. We had Bryn on my 31st birthday, August 23, 2012 we lost Bryn Sept 27th, 2012. We had Blake Sept 9, 2013, it has helped restore joy into our hearts but it hasn't taken away the grief. Berkley has become an amazing big sister. I don't say that flippantly. She really, really, loves her little sister. I think the anticipation of actually getting to keep this one really set into her deeply. She wanted to know why her friends all had siblings and she didn't. So, when Blake came, she was over the moon! We all were and still am. Im very tired physically and emotionally. I still haven't dealt with all the grief from Bryn's death. Its a long, slow, exhaustingly lonely process. I've had to learn many hard lessons and with the help of an amazing therapist, I am doing well. Most people don't realize the toll grief takes on a person. I have been so physically, mentally and emotionally pulled on for so long, I am not the same person any more. I may act the same in many regards, at least on the outside, but I am SO different. I love my therapist, she has helped me deal, grow and stretch. She's on speed dial. I love my family and I love the friends who have been patient enough to let me deal. In my own way, in my own time, with lots of forgiveness as I still walk this crazy path. To be a friend to someone dealing with grief isn't an easy thing and I appreciate those who have stuck around. I still miss Bryn so much it is usually to much to bear. Im so thankful for Berkley and Blake, I know how lucky I am to have them, but I want Bryn too. I have been blessed with some new friends, renewed friendships and its all because of my Bryn. I am thankful to my Lord for those people. I hate that most of the people I speak of, have lost a child too, so we have a bond that shouldn't be. I ask you to continue to pray for me. Its a daily struggle I usually can deal with, but its still a DAILY struggle and most people don't realize its still going on. Berkley is thriving! She is so crazy smart, doing so well at school (proud mommy) and even though she can throw a temper tantrum with the best of them (me), I love her so much it hurts. I have the two best kids ever. Berkley is obsessed with horses and Ariel the little mermaid. When I say obsessed with horses, that is an understatement. She literally has over 50 (I realize I allowed her to have that many). She is scared of cats and dogs and other small animals (though she talks a big game), but you walk her up to a huge horse, and she will jump right on. She is so smart, its scary. We are in big trouble with her. In a good way...but still trouble. You can't get anything by her, no trickery or bribery. She remembers everything and will hold you to something you said weeks ago. She remembers people and what they gave her for presents and places you went or said you would go, etc. Its creepy. I love her and all her craziness because I know I gave her 1/2 of it at least! She's also very tender hearted and can be very shy, so I've already cried on her behalf of being left out, or getting her feelings hurt and so forth. I am not looking forward to dealing with some of the stuff girls deal with as they grow. She's also very resilient and I am so proud of my Berkie. She will be 4 soon. I am amazed at how fast and slow time can move. Blake is doing great. She's growing like crazy...girl loves to eat. She's crazy happy all the time. Wakes up smiling and talking and rarely cries. She's beautiful and she lights up our world. She actually loves me so much that she still wakes up 1-2 times a night to hang out. :) I'm tired and I have a crick in my neck, but its worth it. A nap and a Dr.Pepper help...not my waistline, but my attitude. Usually. Ha. She is so wonderfully happy and healthy (so far) and we are so thankful for the blessing she is to our family. Bart is a rockstar dad. I of course can be the typical wife who complains and would always love more help, more sleep, more me time...but he really, really does so much more than most men and more than me most days. He cooks, he plays, he serves, he does laundry, etc. He's awesome. His girls love him, I love him. God WAY outdid himself when he brought Bart into my life. I started BSF (bible study fellowship) this past fall...ITS AMAZING. I am so, so glad I sucked it up and went taking my 3 week old with me (Blake was born the day before it started). I was placed in a group with some amazing ladies (mostly 50+) who are mentoring to me, helping me grow and showing Blake and I the Lord's love. They cuddle on Blake every Tuesday morning, and encourage me as I learn more about the Lords word. My leader is someone I knew and respected previously, and is now my Stephen minister and mentor, my first grade teacher is in my group, a girl I taught with, a friend of a friend, and another friend of a friend, etc. It really wasn't where I wanted to be placed, I wanted in the moms with babies group with another friend. But, I was put where I was meant to be and I'm grateful for God's clear hand in that. I'm so grateful I was encouraged and invited to go to BSF and I'm so thankful every time I walk out of the doors feeling blessed. After small group I get to attend an amazing lecture each week on what we studied and enjoy sitting by some friends I care deeply for. God is good. Im a Christian, a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend. I love all the people who make those titles possible. I'm also a really big screw up, a big time sinner and so daily, usually hourly I have to redirect and try again. I go to bed most nights praying for forgiveness and hoping to finally learn from my mistakes so I won't make them again. I am slowly making some changes and while God is all that matters, I hope that one day you will seem them too. I am working on me, God is working on me. Thank you Lord for so much more than I deserve. Thank you all who have prayed for us, shown us love, and walked the past two years with us. You are loved and appreciated. I am looking forward to 2014! Love and Blessings, Brooke